Yes, we are still here....just moving a little slow lately. The Monkey is boss so we've not had time to breathe, let alone blog. Living on bite sized increments of sleep doesn't do much to inspire me to write either.We are in survival mode these days. In spite of what "the books" say is normal, my 11 weeker has yet to sleep through the night so we're basically left to live on 3 hour naps at a time. I wish "the books" would just take a breather and stop guessimating on what is normal. It could very well drive you crazy. According to lore, besides sleeping 20 hours straight at night, he should be also be well on his way to walking, talking, and reading Tennyson. His growth has been seriously stunted unless profusively drooling and crafting strung out sentences that begin with "gah" and end with "ah-goo" count.
I've gotten lots of questions about what motherhood has been like for me after wanting to be one for so long. I'll say this: Motherhood is awesome but the most challenging, scaryist thing I have ever done. It's really, really hard and kind of depressing right now, to be honest. Tiny babies rule your life at this stage and it is hard to reconcile your old self--independent, mobile, and confident--with your mommy self--insecure, unstable, unbalanced. I mean, it is my highest dream to be a mom so I am very grateful to be here but it is still 12 times tougher than I ever thought it would be. And, boy, I can be a beast without sleep! Poor J.
But,oh, I'd trade a thousand sleepless nights for this little miracle. I doubt there has ever been a child who has been so barraged by kisses than ours. Those fluffly cheeks have been kissed so many times poor Gavin is exhausted by it, I'm sure. I swear they have some sort of magnetic power. I can't keep my lips off of him. You can't be prepared to have a child that reminds you of yourself, your brother, your husband, and your mother-in-law simulataneously. It is an out of body experience. I still can't believe he is mine....in fact, on some mornings, I wake up and for a split second forget that I am a mom. And then, when I remember and see that sweet little face, my heart explodes. He is perfection personified. I know where sunshine comes from now.
I guess the best word to describe motherhood for me, 11 weeks in, is everything. I have been swallowed up by the motherhood vaccuum and every emotion, facet, and everything else in my life as been subsumed and colored by the addition of this little boy. I am still myself but a new version of her. Life will never be the same again....thank God.
