I should feel guilty, right? And feel some sense of inadequacy that my life's work isn't contributing to the greater good. I am not earning a paycheck so I don't contribute financially to my household budget. I'm not strenously volunteering to offset the working void in the universe. I'm not at home spending my days molding the minds of my young offspring. In fact, I don't do much so it's only right that that should produce a healthy amount of guilt in response. I mean, I should be beating myself up. Shouldn't I?
But I don't and I'm not. I don't feel even an ounce of guilt. I thought I would. I thought I would be climbing the walls questioning the meaning of my existence without a routine; a hard earned paycheck; bubbling, brutal work stress, but I don't. Apart from some occasional "I am women where's my roar?" moments, I'm adjusting quite well to my role as hausfrau. I'm just your run of the mill trailing spouse and for the time being that. is. okay.
It is not lost on me how fortunate I am to be in a situation where money isn't a stress and a packed calendar aren't the foundation of my happiness. It's funny that I am learning that I need much fewer things in my day or even week or even my life to be satisfied. Plenty of sleep. An activity strewn throughout my week's calendar. A good bowl of soup and a handmade pastry. Some trashy, mindless television. A loving husband and supportive family. Some laughs with my long distance girlfriends. And a good book. That's it really. I can be content in the small joys of life. I can find solace in my solitude.
There will come a time, I am sure, when I will eat my words and ache for the personal satification of working outside of the home. But time has not yet come, so nowI choose to be content. And to be Guilt.Less.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Friday, February 1, 2008
Where's my Qi at?
My Qi is weak. And my Yang is too high. And I need to eat more warm foods to replenish my ying. This is all according to my acupuncturist. (spelled AKUPUNKTUR--gotta love German, so utilitarian)
Yes, folks, I am paying someone to stick needles in me. This and to listen to my woes for two hours every week. She's feels very bad for me. What with the poor German skills, life of leisure, and inability to embrace the gray weather. "We must make you happy," she says....but first we need to stick little pins in your head, ears, back, and ankle.
The surprise for me is that I think it's actually helping. Apart from the "speen," "kidney," and "heart 6" needle, they really don't hurt much. Although that's a bad thing I am told. Hurting means your energy is becoming unblocked. So, I now find myself saying, "Wait. I didn't feel anything. That's bad, right." Then she proceeds to move the tiny needle around until it does. That's right. Hurt me like you love.
Then she leaves the room and trail blissfully off to sleep. Not a deep sleep but a meditative yoga type of sleep where you dream in the first 5 minutes and then wake to find only 10 minutes have passed but it feels like an hour. It's amazing. I love it.
And I love my sweet acupuncturist. She's always so warm and welcoming--explaining every little stick and telling me that she has given thought to new points every session. It's like therapy--except there's a massage and warm tea waiting for you after you've cried your eyes out.
So, there's my plug for eastern medicine. My neck pain is practically non-existent. My sleep is less restless and I feel more relaxed. More Zen-ner. Is that a word?
Yes, folks, I am paying someone to stick needles in me. This and to listen to my woes for two hours every week. She's feels very bad for me. What with the poor German skills, life of leisure, and inability to embrace the gray weather. "We must make you happy," she says....but first we need to stick little pins in your head, ears, back, and ankle.
The surprise for me is that I think it's actually helping. Apart from the "speen," "kidney," and "heart 6" needle, they really don't hurt much. Although that's a bad thing I am told. Hurting means your energy is becoming unblocked. So, I now find myself saying, "Wait. I didn't feel anything. That's bad, right." Then she proceeds to move the tiny needle around until it does. That's right. Hurt me like you love.
Then she leaves the room and trail blissfully off to sleep. Not a deep sleep but a meditative yoga type of sleep where you dream in the first 5 minutes and then wake to find only 10 minutes have passed but it feels like an hour. It's amazing. I love it.
And I love my sweet acupuncturist. She's always so warm and welcoming--explaining every little stick and telling me that she has given thought to new points every session. It's like therapy--except there's a massage and warm tea waiting for you after you've cried your eyes out.
So, there's my plug for eastern medicine. My neck pain is practically non-existent. My sleep is less restless and I feel more relaxed. More Zen-ner. Is that a word?
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