Excuses, excuses

We have a gym membership at this club that touts itself as "Berlin's Most Exclusive Spa and Recreation Studio." This is the same gym where, during our introductory tour, two naked women and a naked child ran past us outside of the sauna and the membership coordinator told us very sheepishly that while they had air conditioning the unit was too small for the building.

"Oh, does this explain the nakeness?" I ask.

"Nope, that's just a German thing. We don't sauna in bathing suits for hygenic reasons." I'm told.

Hmmm. If that's hygenic, I don't want any part, thank you.

Step inside the gym during a day when it's over 25 degrees Celcius and you'll understand why we don't need to go to the sauna to sweat (naked members aside). In fact, we don't need to work out at all. Even the pool is set to a toasty 20 degrees. Heat radiates off the surface of the water so much that everytime I walk past it my hair gets frizzed.

So, understanding that the only thing I hate to do more than sweat is to sweat during a workout, it's not suprising to learn that I hate going to the gym. It just makes me angry that I'm paying someone to hurt me, to question my cravings for gelato, and to induce profucious (sp?) funk from people who haven't bathed in days.

What kills me is that I seem to be the only one put out by the lack of cold air. In fact, many of my compatriots dress in spandex pants and long sleeve shirts while tying the free towels around their necks to prevent themselves from catching cold. All this when it's the equalivent of 80 degrees outside. There is an inherent fear of drafts in this country. Opening a window at the gym to let in a breeze is an offense equal to washing your car on a Sunday or eating with your hand in your lap at the dinner table. It is strictly verboten.

To counteract my distaste for the stationary bike and abductor machine, I've come up with some pithy reasons for why I am justified not to go. I made a list about them. Want to see them? Here you go:

1. I'm on my period...shouldn't overexert myself. Such a handy excuse, this one. I give myself a pass for alot of things using this all-purpose reason.

2. I'm going through an expatriate transition. This move has taken a toll on my emotional, spirtual, and physical well being. I need to rest in order to stave off sickness or a work-out induced neurotic episode.

2. It's the week before my period and I'm bloated and tired. I should rest to prepare myself for the coming week.

3. I walked to German class today and took the stairs to the apartment. So what if our apartment is on the first floor. The stairs must count for something, right?

4. It's raining. Another handy one to whip out a moment's notice....especially given the fact that it rains just about every day.

5. I only ate one marizipan croissant this morning and I haven't had a gelato in hours.

6. I just washed my hair. If you've ever seen the ritual that is washing and straightening my hair, you'll appreciate why this reason is valid.

7. I have a headache. Geez, who wouldn't?

8. My back still hurts from working out two weeks ago. I should rest to prepare myself for the next workout.

9. Learning German is hard, damn-it. No need to torture yourself anymore today.

10. I have cramps. Again, this one gets me off guilt-free every time.

11. In some cultures, women are revered for their chubby thighs and flabby arms. Who am I to question their judgement and to conform to the standards of this sexist Western society?

12. The Young and the Restless is coming on and I shouldn't deny myself the rare pleasure of watching American trash tv...... Man, those women are fit, I need to get my ass to the gym!