Death by Deutsch

German class has ended and I am relieved. The class, itself, was really not that bad. I liked my teachers effort to keep us engaged with games and quizzes and interactive activities. I liked feeling like I was learning new words and strengthening my understanding of grammar. I even warmed up to my classmates, including the Romanian women who laughed at people. Of course, I lost my notebook that first week never to see it again. I did my homework most days on the train GOING to class and didn't crack a book to study until the night before the final exam. Oh, and did I mention that I've started watching less--not more--German tv than before? So, it would come as no surprise to you that I still don't feel like I grew to be more confident in speaking the language. My problem is my bad attitude--plain and simple.

Let me first start off by saying that I know that the best way to understand a country, its culture, and its people is to learn their language. I know that, really. That is the reason why, in spite of the feelings I have towards learning German, I have soldiered on. I can't tell you how many people have lectured me on this point upon hearing that I am feeling frustrated and flustered by the language. I got lectured last night, in fact, by another well meaning German. His American wife, he tells me, encountered the same problem. She felt like she was never going to learn the language and then slowly her word bank grew and her confidence followed. Now, he said, she is practically fluent. How long did that take, you ask? Eight years, he said. EIGHT YEARS! Well, I just don't have that much time or energy to devote.

So, it begins. I get lectured--Don't give up! You can do it! which leads me to think, "No, I really don't want to. I'd rather get an appendictomy." And then, "Why is it everyone can speak this language but me?" Well, says me, "I should give up then. I'm a lost cause." I stew on the giving up part for a few weeks until I'm lectured again and feel guilted into a new class (where I don't study and psychologically kick myself for wasting money). Then, we're back to square one.

And now, where does this leave me? What's my plan next? I haven't a clue. I'm taking a break to recover what's left of my ego. Perhaps, this spring weather will jump start my positive attitude and by some fluke I'll feel motivated to really try. Until then, we'll all just have to be content with my ability to order dinner, read the ingredients on the back of a cereal box and employ useful phrases like: "Doctor, I think I'm going to throw up now."